


Letter to Sammy-An Apology from Dean

by Johnlocked221b



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Post-Season/Series 08 Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-12 03:56:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2094771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Johnlocked221b/pseuds/Johnlocked221b
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An apology letter from Dean as Sam lies in the hospital. Post-Season 8</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letter to Sammy-An Apology from Dean

Sammy,

You're asleep right now in the hospital. You've got tubes and wires and that hideous gown on that makes you look even more massive than you already are. The nurse gave me a few pieces of paper so i could write this, since you never stay awake long enough to talk about it. Cas hasn't been back. He hasn't called or messaged and frankly, I don't know if he's even still alive. The angels are still falling. They have been for three days. The news people are starting to call it a "Miracle Meteor Shower." If only they knew how miraculous it is. I've been sitting here, by your side for days. They couldn't get me to leave so they gave up. 

I'm not real good at this kind of thing...writing letters and all of that touchy, feely, girly crap. But there are some things that need to be said that I'm too chicken to say to your face. It's funny though. We fight monsters every day, yet I'm scared of feelings. Guess I should start with the most basic.

I love you, man. I don't say it nearly enough, but I do. You're my brother no matter what you do. No matter what happens, you're family and I've got your back. We fight a fuckton, more lately than usual, but you know I only get on you so bad because I care. I've been looking out for you since we were kids. It was just my job, y'know? Look out for Sammy. Feed Sammy. Study with Sammy. Make sure Sam gets to school. Don't leave Sam's side. It was stuff dad should've been doing, but I'm sort of glad he didn't. It made us close. I moaned and groaned a lot, I know, but secretly, I liked when it was just me and you. 

It broke my heart when you went to school. I cried like a baby when you left. Yeah yeah, I know. Shuddup. I think the whole reason I was on dad's side about that was because it felt like I was losing you. I couldn't protect you over there in California, and I was pretty freakin' lonely. I didn't have my nerd brother to tease anymore. It was like my best friend in the whole world moved away. That's exactly what it was. Also, dad got tougher on me when you left. Don't feel guilty. I'm glad you went. You have no idea how proud of you I was. You were raised right. I tried to give you a better childhood than I got. I wanted you to go to that big fancy college, get a big fancy lawyer job, have a big fancy house and a fancy wife. Man, how cool would that have been? Hot tubs and movie theatres and fancy gourmet food. At least you would've been happy. 

You've died so many times, yet each time, it feels like an actual bullet in my heart. The first time, when you got literally stabbed in the back by that Jake kid, was probably the hardest. I thought I'd actually lost you. Man, you gotta understand why I sold my soul for you. I just couldn't imagine life without you. There wasn't one. At least, while you were at Stanford, I knew you were alive. You died in my arms....and Bobby had to pry me off of you. I don't know. Guess I thought if I begged and prayed long enough you'd wake up. I wasn't thinking rationally. I wouldn't let him burn or bury you either. I was so damn lost. I felt like I failed you. What was I supposed to do? You were so strong during that year, too. You saw me die again and again and took my shit. You're really too damn nice sometimes. But seriously, thank you. I don't know what I would've done if you hadn't been there with me when they came to collect. 

Sammy, when I found out you were drinking demon blood, it scared me. The way I reacted was out of fear moreso than anger. Yeah, I was angry. You'd be angry with me too. I was scared to even listen to your reason, so I locked you away. I believed, at the time, that it was for your own good. Demon blood is strong and potent. It's stronger than cocaine and more addicting. I know you think you were doing good by not killing those people, but the look you got in your eyes when you used your freaky psychic power; it scared me. I said some hurtful things and made you feel like shit. I held it over your head, and I'm sorry. I forgave you a long time ago for everything. 

And then comes Cas. Sammy, I wouldn't give you up for anyone. Cas is a great guy, but he's not you. He's fun as hell to pick on; and he had that advantage of having wings and grace and all that holy bullshit; and he did pull me out of Hell, but there's no question to it. If it came down between you or him, I've got your back. I always will. He's a good friend and hunter, but he's not you. You're special, Sam, and despite what you think (or how I tease you) it's the good kind of special. Our bond is greater than any "profound bond" bull he can come up with. Got me? And Benny. He was there in Purgatory when I needed him He was a friend, but still, I would never ever pick him over you. 

You're not evil, Sammy. Not even a little bit. Yeah, you might have demon blood in your system and you might have been Lucifer's vessel for a time, but I still see that dorky kid I picked up at Stanford. I see the Sammy who glued my hand to that bottle of beer; the Sammy who smiled a lot more, called me a jerk, and actually laughed. We've both done some pretty bad things, but they were necessary, and not once did you let that power get to your head for the wrong reasons. You freaking fought Lucifer...and won! Talk about proud. I'll never forget the moment when I saw my little brother in those eyes again. Ever. You beat him. Even soulless, you were still my kid brother. 

I gotta let you grow up. I have to learn to let go. Your entire life has been so precious to me. Taking care of you and hunting are all i've ever known. It's how I grew up. You were always my number one priority. Always. It's never been any different. But I think I've enforced that too much. You're a big boy now and I gotta loosen my grip. It's the hardest thing I've ever come to terms with, but I know you'll make the right choices. I know you're a good guy. I trust you. I gotta let you breathe a little, God help me. You're responsible enough to make your own decisions and fight again. It's going to be the hardest thing in the world, but I'm going to give you freedom. Hell, I don't even have to give it to you. You're massive so you could probably just squish me and pry it from my fingers if you had to. Samsquatch. 

And here's the big one. That little, two-letter word you said when I said you'd die if you finished the trials. So. Who knew two little letters could hurt so much. But goddamn, did they ever. I didn't know you felt that way, Sammy. I am so sorry for not seeing it earlier. I have absolutely no idea what I'd do if you'd done it; finished them. I'd be just as lost as I was when you died the first time. And the second. And the third. But only, this time, I would have known you wanted to. Knowing that kind of thing could drive a man to insanity. God, this sounds so freakin' cliche, but I am here. I'm on your side and I love you. Death isn't an option. I'll do whatever it takes to make you feel better, man, Seeing you suffer is almost worse than being in Hell.

The nurses are checking your Iv's now so I'm gonna wrap this up. Sammy, I fucked up. I made you feel inadequate and weak and guilty. I'm sorry. I seriously hope you'll forgive me this time, because I'm not giving up on you. We'll finish like we started. Together.

Wake up soon...

Your awesome brother,  
Dean


End file.
